TOPIC:

During WW2 a British pilot was shot down over Germany. Luckily he bailed out but landed on a concrete road. He was captured but with bad injuries to his legs. He was taken to a German hospital where they had to amputate one leg. He asked the surgeon could he post the leg back to his wife in England so she had something to remember him. A fortnight later gangrene set in on the other leg & it was amputated also. He asked the same as before & the German doctor posted the leg. He recovered & was repatriated into a POW camp. He learnt to walk on crutches and became active. He played goalkeeper in the games against the Americans but in chasing the football he fell & mangled one arm. It had to be amputated so he requested it to be sent to his wife in England.. This request was refused as the Gestapo said they thought he was trying to escape.

Question: What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?

Answer: The goldfish mucks about the fountain.


I sat next to a lady at tea
It was just as I feared it would be
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''

A group of HELL’S ANGELS, Sydney bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off the Sydney Harbour Bridge. So they stopped.
Rod, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Police Officer who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
Why don't you give ol' Rod here your best last kiss?
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, Rod gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Police Officer, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had!
That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It’s unclear if he jumped or was pushed.

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again…
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Thanks LS. Good to have a laugh with so much serious stuff around the place...

Finally a political joke

One afternoon a politician was riding in his Commonwealth Government limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the politician
said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating
grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," he replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the politician answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the politician and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
He replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

Curly went hunting one day up in the Northern Territory and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the back of his ute and was about to drive home when he was
confronted by a surly Territory game warden who didn't like smart alecs.
The warden ordered Curly to show his hunting licence, so Curly pulled out a
valid Northern Territory licence.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks,
sniffed its bum and said,
"This duck isn’t from the Territory. This is a Queensland duck. You got a Queensland hunting licence?" Curly reached into his wallet and produced a Queensland licence.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed
its bum, and said "This isn’t a Queensland duck. This duck's from West Australia. You got a West Australian licence?" Curly reached into his wallet and produced a West Australian hunting licence.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bum, and said,
"This isn’t a Western Australian duck. This duck's from South Australia. You got a South Australian hunting licence?" Again
Curly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Australian licence.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Curly "Just where the hell are you from?"
Curly smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son.
'Ain't dat grand!!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said,'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too..'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !' Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' She said,
'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

Back in 2010 Collingwood were on fire so as the finals started CBN from USA decided to do a story on the club. They sent over a camera crew & a front man to find out about Aussie Rules. Arriving a week before the Prelim finals they set out to make their documentary to show on US TV before the AFL Grand Final was to be shown live back there. After a few shots of the clubrooms & trophies it was decided to get some footage & interviews from players & coaches. The front man was intrigued by most players wearing Blue tops whilst only a selected few wore the Black & White stripes. He wandered over to a couple & interviewed them ‘Whats your name & what do you do?” said the front man. The player replied “I’m Maximillion, the captain & I run around waving my arms to tell the others what to do”. He tried another & the reply was “ I’m the engine room & everyone has to get the ball to me & I drive it forward” replied Swann Song. Just then he saw an older man prancing around so went after him. “What’s you name & function” he asked. “ It’s Buckles & I’m the coaches sexual adviser” was the reply. Some what shocked , the front man said “I beg your pardon, what do you mean by that?”
“ Very simple sir, the coach has told me that when he wants my f**king advice, he’ll ask me” .